Dear Riley,
We are insatiable. We work hard to get what we want, then quickly lose interest after attaining it. Our brief period of happiness drops back to normal levels, and we are on to the next thing. Again, our satisfaction lasts only for a short period of time. It quickly becomes the status quo and boredom once again sets in. Now our wants and desires are bigger and grander than before. It never ends. This is hedonic adaptation, and it’s a part of life. It’s why marketing is so successful. A new camera comes out, and all of a sudden our old one is obsolete. At least we think it is. Does it take pictures any worse than before? Did it all of a sudden stop being able to do its job? Nope. It’s just as good as the day we bought it. The only thing that’s changed is our mindset.
I mentioned before, that we should be happy for what we have. But how do we put this into practice? How do we avoid hedonic adaptation? Or at the very least, slow it down?
One technique is called “Negative Visualization”. Basically, imagine what it would feel like if we lost the things we value.
“Most of us spend our idle moments thinking about the things we want but don’t have. We would be much better off, Marcus Aurelius says, to spend this time thinking of all the things we have and reflecting on how much we would miss them if they were not ours. Along these lines, we should think about how we would feel if we lost our material possessions, including our house, car, clothing, pets, and bank balance; how we would feel if we lost our abilities, including our ability to speak, hear, walk, breathe, and swallow; and how we would feel if we lost our freedom.”
– A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy (William B. Irvine)
Let’s say Apple announces a new MacBook. It’s really cool, we lust after it, and our old laptop suddenly seems crappy. Instead of being unhappy or stressing about how to buy one, take a moment to reflect on the laptop we already have. Imagine how we would feel if we lost it. All of our data, and files gone. That’d suck wouldn’t it? It’s like that old saying “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone”. Negative visualization helps us appreciate what we have.
Hedonic adaptation can apply to all things – not just material. It’s one reason why people get bored in relationships and take loved ones for granted. I like to practice negative visualization whenever your mom and I get into a fight. I think to myself “what if something happened to her, and this was the last conversation we had”. Or “what would life be like if she wasn’t around”. It helps put things into perspective, and makes me feel like whatever we are fighting about is small and petty. It also helps me appreciate her more.
“Remember that all we have is on loan from Fortune, which can reclaim it without our permission—indeed, without even advance notice. Thus, we should love all of our dear ones, but always with the thought that we have no promise that we may keep them forever—nay, no promise even that we may keep them for long.”
– Seneca
I try to apply this to my own life as well. What if I only had a few months, days, hours left to live? Would I be more appreciative of the time I had left? Definitely.
“But if each of us could have the tally of his future years set before him, as we can of our past years, how alarmed would be those who saw only a few years ahead, and how carefully would they use them!”
– Seneca
I wouldn’t waste time lusting after the latest gadget. Or burn through precious minutes by being angry or frustrated with somebody I love. I’d focus all my energy on enjoying what I had, and try to get everything out of each moment. Why fill my time chasing things that won’t make me happy?
I’m already living the life of my dreams. If I asked my 18 year old self: “Howard, what would your ideal life look 20 years from now?” I would probably say – “Well, I’d be married and have kids with a woman I love. I’d have a stress free job that didn’t prevent me from spending time with my family. I wouldn’t have to worry about money (I’d live within my means). And I would be surrounded by my family and friends.”
That’s the life I’m living now! I’m living my dream life! In fact, I remember filling out a “goals” worksheet when I first started my IT career in 1998. One of the questions was – what kind of job would you like to have 20 years from now. I had put down “IT Consultant”. Haha… Guess what, 20 years later, I’m an IT Consultant.
So Riley, try your best to step off the hedonic treadmill. Take some time to reflect on the things you hold dear in life, and try using negative visualization to imagine what it would be like if you lost them. Maybe this can help you find greater appreciation and joy in your life.
Love,
Dad
6/24/2017
Written on a Saturday afternoon. Auntie Phoebe is coming over to do a family photo shoot for us. I’ll upload some pictures in future posts. Yesterday you spent all day with 啊公 and 奶奶. They skipped work to have lunch with you, and then you wouldn’t let them go back to work! They ended up coming over and hanging out with you until bedtime. You are so lucky!